Getting Intimate with Boundaries and Rules

One of the first steps that need to be done in any polyamorous relationship is sitting down with your partner or partners and creating boundaries and rules. For polyamory to be comfortable for everyone, everyone must be open and honest with each other about what makes them uncomfortable and what their needs are for the relationship.

Discussing Insecurities Openly

Sit down with your partners, grab a pencil and paper. Discuss with each other what actions make each other feel insecure. When we did this the first time we ended up with a very long list spanning several pages of different insecurities we each had. One insecurity we had discussed was sex with other people in our bed in our home. We noted this as an insecurity, then moved on. Be sure to note all your insecurities and anything that makes each other uncomfortable. Whether its not having your partner with you at night or physical intimacy around each other, all are valid insecurities. There is not one single insecurity that is invalid. Be sure to be 100% honest even if there is a tiny bit of insecurity – talk about it openly. Your other partners may have a similar feeling. Small insecurities can lead to a snapping point or bring frustration into a relationship.

Insecurities to Rules

Now that you and your partners have a list of insecurities listed, talk about each insecurity and why you or them feel that way. Talk about how those insecurities can either be resolved or worked into a rule. If your partner wants to never fall asleep alone at night, maybe it will be a rule that you are home at a certain time every night or perhaps you fall asleep with them but after they are asleep you may go out with one of your other partners. There are many ways to come to a conclusion with every rule that works for everybody. If an insecurity seems like its stupid and ridiculous, try not to stress out about it. All feelings are valid, and over time many of these rules will be either removed or reworked as feeling change and everyone becomes more comfortable in the relationship.

Evolving Feelings and Emotions

Over time feelings will change, people involved within the relationship will become comfortable and rules may need to be reworked. When we created a rule to not have sex with other partners in our bed we talked about it months later and decided there was still some insecurities there, but not nearly to the same intensity that it was before. We reworked the rule to only have sex with our respective partners on our personal side of the bed, then weeks later removed the rule completely as we became even more comfortable with everything.

So what’s the key?

The key to all rules and bounderies within any polyamorous relationship is 100% honesty and communication. If all insecurities are covered, there leaves little room for frustration. Remember – even if there is a small insecurity, talk about it and come to a conclusion! Your partners want you to be comfortable, happy and satisfied within the relationship, so talk to them.